Monday, February 14, 2005

100 Things I've Learned (about myself and the world)

1. People who don’t hold wine glasses by the stem annoy me.

2. I hate it when people correct me with incorrect information.

3. I love talking when I’m lying down.

4. A great meal has more to do with the company than the food.

5. I don't own an iPod and I'm not sure I want one.

6. I’m at my best when I’m directing.

7. When I'm drinking, I only consume wine or beer.

8. I embellish every story for my own amusement.

9. If you can’t take a joke I’ve started and run with it, then I won’t find you funny.

10. Men who drink fruity drinks disturb me.

11. People never surprise me because I won’t let them.

12. I give good phone.

13. I think all people have one superpower. Mine is that I can tell you what the best thing on any menu is.

14. New York City is the greatest city in the world.

15. I’d rather work with kind people than talented people. Because talent is everywhere, kindness is not.

16. Cast it right and directing is easy.

17. My two favorite characters in literature are Phoebe Caulfield and Horatio.

18. If I see something I think someone I know should have, then I’ll just get it for them regardless of money.

19. If I have something you need and I don’t need it, I’ll lend it to you. If I like you, I’ll give it to you outright.

20. My faith is important to me.

21. People who think live theatre is not exciting hasn’t seen good theatre.

22. A woman in an oxford shirt is much sexier than a woman naked.

23. BIG NIGHT, BOTTLE ROCKET, MAGNOLIA, THE GRADUATE and FARGO are my five favorite films.

24. I like getting my feet and back rubbed.

25. I sleep with the window open during the winter and pull the blanket over me so I have temperature options.

26. I’ve seen Ben Folds over ten times in concert.

27. NjP is my writing partner and best friend.

28. The woman I’m in love with is also my touchstone.

29. Raymond Carver is the one person who has died that I’d like to talk to.

30. When I’m home I’ll put on all the lights and multiple appliances so that I can trick myself into thinking there’s someone else with me.

31. I hold grudges.

32. I’m extremely loyal to my friends.

33. I’ve never asked a woman out face to face.

34. I don’t want kids.

35. The list of actors I want to work with is almost absurdly long.

36. My food and wine knowledge is higher than average.

37. I’ve been yelled at by the best chef in the country.

38. The first woman I fell in love with responded by telling me she was gay.

39. I’ve never cheated.

40. I flirt well, but can never gauge a woman’s interest in me.

41. I’m an above average server because I care.

42. I’m not as good at The Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon game as my friends think I’d be.

43. I watch and tape interviews.

44. I’m a basketball junkie.

45. I’m not a good fan. I like drama. I’d rather see my team lose by one in a last second thriller, than have them win in a blowout.

46. I never make the first move.

47. I don’t read or listen to music on the subway.

48. People who frame photographs scare me.

49. Cleveland food I miss living in New York City: MR. HERO Hot Buttered Cheesesteak, LOLA BISTRO Macaroni and Cheese and RUGGLES Golden Vanilla Ice Cream.

50. If pushed I can sing the theme songs of CHARLES IN CHARGE and GROWING PAINS.

51. The one time I was the lead in a play I got a standing ovation.

52. Using my fingers, I can flip a pen twice in my hand.

53. I’ve never learned the gift of receiving.

54. People who preach their religion creep me out.

55. You want to know someone better? Smoke a cigar with them.

56. Ambition is a quality that I think everyone should have.

57. I believe that self-deprecation is the appetizer of charm.

58. I never wear socks or slippers when I’m home.

59. I seriously considered getting fired from the restaurant I was working in just to get Woody Allen’s autograph.

60. I think people that think that food service is easy should be forced to work in a restaurant for one Saturday night.

61. My favorite meal is Sunday brunch.

62. I don’t have a “type”.

63. Women who are willing to wear glasses are infinitely more attractive than those who don’t.

64. I prefer traveling by subway than by car.

65. If I could start over I think that I might try to be an NBA head coach or political speechwriter.

66. I like having sway.

67. I won’t dance unless I’m drunk.

68. Unexpected gifts are the best kind.

69. As I get older, I’ve noticed that I care less and less about my appearance.

70. I want a girl that is willing to listen to a film with director’s commentary on.

71. I’ve fallen in love with one female actor on every film I’ve made.

72. During my senior year of high school I seriously considered becoming a priest.

73. People who order anything “skim” are idiots.

74. My wine palate is becoming more and more refined.

75. Kicking the chair in front of you at a movie theatre is unacceptable and should be grounds for immediate dismissal from the premises.

76. I love eating out.

77. Being a fan of someone shouldn’t negate any dissent you feel towards their work.

78. I’m not sure I’m built for marriage.

79. Every film or play, no matter how bad, has at least one redeeming element.

80. Chivalry isn’t dead. I won’t let it.

81. The best gift I’ve ever received is a digital voice recorder.

82. Injustice we do not stop means we tacitly approve of it.

83. Lateness is unacceptable.

84. It’s always better to overdress than to underdress.

85. Learn to laugh at yourself. You’ll live longer.

86. The best humor is a little sad.

87. If it comes down to saying something or not saying something, say nothing.

88. Underestimate no one.

89. Simplicity is almost always the most impressive thing to strive for.

90. Never ignore the given circumstances.

91. Everyone should know how to open a bottle of wine.

92. I’m a slight film snob and I’m a wee bit ashamed of it.

93. Bisexuality is greediness run amok.

94. Snail mail will always be the form of communication that makes people happiest.

95. I don’t listen to lyrics unless I like the tune.

96. My favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan.

97. Occasionally, I’ll spend a whole day watching movies without a break for food.

98. I’m not good at concealing my emotions.

99. I love watching poker, but know that I’d just be an average player.

100. I don’t know how to skate, bike or ski and I don’t plan on learning how to do any of those things.


Blogger D said...

100 Comments (about you, or me, or how well I know you, or any questions I might have had)

Let me begin by saying that you're list is typical Bernard style - well planned and well executed. You were witty, humorous, and insightful all at the same time. Congrats. A great start to what I hope will become a long blogging career! Now some thoughts (and be sure to answer my questions).

1. by the stem - You're becoming a bit of a wine snob I think, not that it is entirely a bad thing...

2. incorrect information - The thing I hate is when one person asks a question and someone else gives the complete wrong answer and I know the right answer

3. talking when I’m lying down - I knew this.

4. great meal - Well said. I couldn't agree more. Also high-school dances.

5. iPod - Well, I'm glad I didn't buy you own for X-Mas. Why don't you want one?

6. directing - I have first hand knowledge of this and could not agree more.

7. wine or beer - I assume you mean you do not consume liquor. OK, but why not?

8. embellish - True. Typically funny, yet annoying if the story includes embellishment about something stupid I have done.

9. take a joke and run with it - One reason why we are friends. Some of my favorite lines in our conversations are "OK, we just need to stop right there..."

10. fruity drinks - Whiskey Sour, fruity? I never know. And just for the record, I enjoy a nice daiquiri when I am sitting on the beach or eating at Red Lobster.

11. surprise - We need to work on your definition of surprise. You "won't let them". What does that mean? You are like a super detective or something?

12. good phone - sex? Good phone sex? I have no idea what you are talking about.

13. superpower - I agree your is food related. Mine must be something involving a cross examination...but who knows.

14. greatest city - BAH! No comment.

15. kind people than talented people - My answer is it depends on the situation. For me, I would rather work with extremely talented people rather than kind people. But for you, your statement makes perfect sense.

16. Cast - Having cast a play myself, your infinite wisdom on this matter is flawless.

17. favorite characters - Horatio I knew. Phoebe Caulfield is who?

18 & 19. giving stuff - This is true, yet annoyingly perfect. You're too nice sometimes. I will qualify your statement by adding that if you lend something to someone that you expect to get back and they don't give it back, you get frustrated.

20. faith - Agreed. I admire your convictions to your faith.

21. live theatre - I don't know. I think some people just don't like theatre.

22. oxford shirt - True, but a naked woman will always be a great thing.

23. favorite films - I'm 2/5. That's disgraceful...

24. feet and back rubbed - Feet? Who rubs your feet?

25. temperature options - This I have seen first hand. You're so weird...

26. Ben Folds - That is an impressive statistic. I've seen the Lakota Music Program over 100 times in concert.

27. NjP - Nick. He's awesome.

28. touchstone - For you, I agree 100%. But as you know, I have never subscribed to this whole "touchstone" concept (perhaps because I've never had one). It seems a little odd to me.

29. Raymond Carver - I, unlike Cara (Kara?), never read any Raymond Carver. Recommend your favorite and I'll read it for you.

30. someone else with me - Because why? You don't like living alone?

31. grudges - Wow. Seen this first hand.

32. loyal to my friends - Seen this first hand too (a better trait than the grudges). Your loyalty to me has always been unwavering. Thanks.

33. asked a woman out face to face - Seriously? You chicken. You should do it, just so you can add that to your experiences to draw from in your writing.

34. kids - Ever? I always thought this was just a "right now" kind of thing. You are so good with kids.

35. list of actors - Every time I talk to you..."I would love to work with XYZ..."

36. food and wine knowledge - I would place you in the 95 percentile.

37. best chef in the country - **correction** "I've been yelled at by debatably, the best chef..." I've seen his work. I wasn't impressed.

38. she was gay - I don't think I've ever heard that story. How could I have missed this? Tell me again.

39. cheated - Don't ever do it.

40. woman’s interest - That to me has always been a strange opposition. You are very good at flirting yet have no clue whether she is digging you (which 9/10 she is totally digging you). Why is this do you think?

41. above average server - I've seen this first hand too. I would add that one of your skills is anticipation - you know when someone will need something before they know they will need it.

42. Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon - This is true.

43. interviews - You're so weird. No one else does this.

44. basketball junkie - Which is only funny to me a) because you are like 5'3" and 2) because you're not very good at basketball

45. not a good fan - I like close games when teams that I don't care about are playing. And even if you do prefer the close game, I don't think that makes you a bad fan. You still want your team to win right?

46. the first move - Ugh. No comment.

47. read or listen on the subway - You should. I did. But I'm warning you, once you start you won't be able to go back. And when you are listening to music, you can pretend not to hear the bums asking for money.

48. frame photographs - People who have literally nothing in their refrigerator scare me. Seriously, some milk? An egg? Nothing!

49. Cleveland food - I've never had any of that, but have listened to you talk about all of it.

50. theme songs - How does the Growing Pains song go?

51. lead in a play - I knew this. I didn't see it. I didn't know you. I would have stood up too.

52. flip a pen - I've seen this.

53. gift of receiving - Also seen this.

54. preach their religion - You have never done this to me and I thank you for that. On top of which, the one time I did want to go to church with you, you were gracious enough to take me and be patient with my zero Catholic knowledge. You remember?

55. Smoke a cigar - I totally agree with this, but I have the obvious question: What if they don't smoke? What have you learned from life as a solid back-up plan for the non-smoker?

56. Ambition is a quality that I think everyone should have.

57. self-deprecation - Agree.

58. socks or slippers - Don't your feet get cold?

59. Woody Allen’s autograph - True, but you wanted to get fired from that restaurant anyway...

60. forced to work in a restaurant - Those people are certifiable idiots.

61. brunch - You are a big brunch fan and I feel like I've asked you why, but I don't remember the answer...share?

62. “type” - Of woman? Of under ware? Of shampoo? Writer? Cast? Type of what?

63. Women wear glasses - Infinitely? How about significantly? And yes, either way I would probably still agree. Chicks in glasses are sexy because, to us, smart is sexy.

64. subway than by car - Yes and no. Car gives control. Subway gives opportunity to do something else, but we know you don't read or listen to music, so 1. why is the subway better? and 2. what do you do on the subway while riding?

65. NBA head coach or political speechwriter - A resounding yes to both of those. I think you would e fabulous at either. Remember the day we played basketball in the park with all those little kids...

66. sway - Sway? Like pull over someone? Swaying an opinion? I don't know the reference.

67. dance unless drunk - True. Also when drunk you tell everyone how much you love them. "I loooove you Derek. I loooove you guy sitting next to me. I loooove you table I'm sitting at. I loooove..."

68. Unexpected gifts - Agree.

69. care less about my appearance - Are you getting fat too? I just don't care anymore.

70. director’s commentary - Sure, but what you are really saying is that she has to be interested in films.

71. in love on every film - Oh man, so true. Renaissance film shoot, 11PM some random night, CVS pharmacy - (after we've been walking around the store for like 20 minutes talking about this) CVS girl: Are you guys the Secret Shoppers?

72. priest - I knew this and always maintained if you could commit to the celibacy thing you would have been a great priest.

73. “skim” - Agreed, but besides milk, what else is there?

74. wine palate - See comment #1

75. Kicking the chair - You're also a little bit of a film snob. Maybe the chair kicking is why you don't want children?

76. love eating out - Wow. Understatement of the century.

77. Being a fan - That's not being a fan, it's having a fetish. Name that episode.

78. built for marriage - What, is your left ring finger inordinately large? I honestly don't know what you mean by this. Are we talking about commitment problems or something else?

79. one redeeming element - I would only add the word "almost" the the beginning of the sentence. Pop quiz- Name what you believe to be the one redeeming element about your production of Hamlet.

80. Chivalry - We should start a movement.

81. The best gift - That was because of the gift giver. And dude, I flew to NYC. That was a gift, kinda.

82. Injustice - From a philosophical standpoint, I think I have to agree with that statement. But from a real-life standpoint, I think that statement is probably impractical. I hate when people litter and pollute our planet, yet I don't pick up every piece of trash I see someone throw on the ground. Agree?

83. Lateness is unacceptable - BAH! No, I amend that statement. I would give you a "BAH!" but I was running late for a different "BAH!" appointment.

84. overdress than to underdress - I suppose you are correct. If you are going to be off, might as well over shoot.

85. laugh at yourself - Do you agree with this statement: Learn to live with imperfection. You'll live longer. If so, do you feel you do this in your own life? If not, why do you disagree?

86. best humor is a little sad - Can I have some more explanation on this statement? Sad=funny kind of pitiful or sad=sorrowful?

87. to saying something or not saying something - Einstein (at least I think it was Einstein) said that thing about just letting people guess if you are dumb rather than opening your mouth and removing all doubt. I couldn't disagree more. I am an open-my-mouth-and-remove-all-doubt kind of guy. And you, are just the opposite. Luck you...

88. Underestimate no one - Another good in theory, bad in practice kind of rule. I don't think you underestimate people, you just don't think they will do as good a job of something as you could do yourself. Agree?

89. Simplicity - Well said.

90. Never ignore the given circumstances - True, but often times you have to disregard them and act anyway. That's just my opinion.

91. open a bottle of wine - Is there a difference between knowing how to and being able to? Can you teach me sometime?

92. film snob - **correction** "I am an enormous film snob and I am not even a wee bit ashamed of it." If I ever go one Who Wants to be a Millionaire?, you will be one of my phone-a-friends due to your encyclopedic knowledge of everything entertainment related. Don't ever be ashamed of that.

93. Bisexuality is greediness - Oh, cut them a break. They are indecisive and that is OK.

94. Snail mail - This will remain true till the end of time.

95. I don’t listen to lyrics, unless I like the tune - I actually did not know this. Why not? I'm the opposite, good lyrics can pull me into a song.

96. butter pecan - I knew this, and yuck. It'd be good without all those pecans. Maybe I'll serve that at my restaurant, Food, Butter Ice cream.

97. day watching movies - Also WW.

98. concealing my emotions - So true.

99. poker - Yeah, you're terrible.

100. skate, bike or ski - Ski-OK. Skate-OK. But seriously, I didn't know you don't know how to ride a bike. We'll go sometime. It'll be like when we tried to golf for my birthday - you'll look silly and I'll laugh a lot.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005 1:47:00 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

Congrats, Bernard, on your new endeavor. I'm very glad to be included, and I'll look forward to my daily dose of The Last Polka.

P.S. Shame on you, Derek, for not knowing Phoebe Caufield...

Monday, February 21, 2005 10:10:00 PM  

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