Tuesday, March 22, 2005

My Flaw

It’s a former friend’s birthday. Our friendship ended abruptly. For some reason, I have committed to memory that today is her birthday.

I’m going to let all of you in on a little secret. Something that I’ve never told a living soul. It’s not something I’m proud of, nor have any control over. I seek not understanding, nor judgment.

As a director there are some occupational hazards: fast food intake increases, power trips and delusions of grandeur, for starters. I suffer from another. And to date, it’s happened on every film I’ve worked on: I fall for my female lead.

Now having said that, I’ve never made a move on any of these women. I am still me after all. The relationship between an actor and a director is distinct and beautiful. Trust is involved. You tell each other things that are personal. Occasionally there is a transference of feelings.

This former friend, let’s call her “Lyndsey”. She was an actor I worked with on my comedic short. I cast her based on a recommendation and our obvious connection. And she was incredible to work with. There were no communication issues with her. Usually there’s a feeling out period where both sides try to create a language that both understand. With her there was none. We instantly understood each other.

NjP and I wrote RENAISSANCE for her. That’s how badly I wanted to work with her again. I wanted to showcase her considerable talent. But as we approached the start of shooting, she became flaky (not returning calls, missing meetings). I’m fairly certain it had to do with some personal stuff in her life, but I might be wrong. Anyway, we fired her. Or should I say, I fired her. And if you’ve ever had to fire someone over the phone into a voicemail box, I don’t recommend it. I must have rambled on for 15 minutes straight. We've haven't talked since.

To this day, I don’t know what happened. I’ve played it back in my head a million times and try to see what I could have done differently in the situation. I know that the decision I made was a sound one. But I’m also left with this pang of regret. I guess it’s easier to blame yourself than to admit you see flaws in people. I know it’s easier for me anyway.


Blogger MEC said...

What an odd name to make up . . . and to spell it that way.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 11:28:00 AM  

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