Monday, August 15, 2005

Heaven and Hell

The girl and I hung out tonight. We watched the David Gordon Green double feature. She grabbed my hand upon her late entrance (she was closing the coffeehouse, so she missed half of the first film) and didn’t let go until the second film was over. I was in heaven.
Afterwards we ate omelets at a diner around the corner. I was nervous and edgy. What the hell am I doing? Why can’t I just talk? She said something that clears up her side of things.
“You never wrote back.”
She never got the letter.
“You never got my letter?”
“I wrote a letter.”
She smiles.
“Wanna take a walk?”
I smile.
“Yes I do.”
And we do. I’m somewhat forced to tell her everything I wrote in the letter. It doesn’t come out clean, but it does come out honestly. That’s all I can hope for.
When I tell her I won't be her friend, she stops walking and starts laughing.
"You're so persistent."
"I'm really not. But I thought for once in my life I should be."
"I really like the middle ground."
"Yeah that's not going to work with me."
"No that's good. You shouldn't let me get away with that."
"It's not fair to me."
She looks at me with those eyes that can look right through me. We hug. She doesn't know what to say. I don't know what to say. I spilled my guts out and she can't respond. She needs time. We hug again.
"Split a cab home with me."
"I don't think that's a good idea. You have some thinking to do and I hope that you make a good decision."
She flags down a cab. As she enters she blurts out, "Do you think $11 will get me home?"
I jump in knowing it won't. Now we're conoodling and I'm pleading my case. She responds oddly.
"You'd make the perfect boyfriend."
"Susie thinks so."
Susie works at the coffeehouse. Relax. She just got married.
"Well I've always liked Susie."
"She's married!"
"Not like that. But I will be leaving quite a bit in the tip jar next time I'm in."
There's a long pause now. We can feel each other breathing. My heart hurts.
"I'm going to give you an answer by the time that we get to my place."
We of course get to her place and she's hasn't given me the answer that she's promised me. I walk her to her door.
"You deserve a woman who is crazy about you."
I nod. But I'm not phased.
"I think I'm old enough to decide who I want to date thank you."
She doesn't want to hurt me. I can tell.
"I wish I could say I like you as much as you like me...but I can't."
I step back. After a moment, "O-kay. That's my cue. I'm outta here."
I walk to the curb and try to flag down a cab. Then something unexpected happened.
I start shouting.
"NO! This is not how it's going to end. I have too many questions."
She looks at me shocked and smiles.
"Then come on up and let's have some wine."
I open the bottle of wine that I gave her for her birthday.
I start my re-approach.
"See the thing with what you've said. I don't believe you."
“I mean what the hell was with that first date then?”
She takes a large swig of wine. She hasn't expected me to checkraise her with the truth.
"Well I think I've lumped that date into a time when I was vulnerable and before I left for Vermont when..."
I jump up. I can't take it. This is the worst answer I've ever heard. I've been used. I keep thinking that she thought at the onset of this whole thing, "Bernard's a good guy for a couple dinners and some laughs. What a chump."
I walked out and didn't look back.


Anonymous Margo said...

My heart aches.

Thursday, August 18, 2005 6:28:00 PM  

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