Sunday, December 25, 2005

Dislocating Joy

It’s Christmas and I cannot locate joy. It should be easy, what with it being Christmas and all, but I can’t. It’s raining outside. No White Christmas here. It doesn’t feel like Christmas. In my heart it doesn’t feel like Christmas.
On the subway today, on the way to a private party I was working, I listened to Christmas songs. River by Joni Mitchell started playing on my iPod. I lost it. I bawled.
It’s my brother’s birthday. Why am I not home? Why have I decided to spend this day with complete strangers? Am I that fucking pathetic? I want desperately to call Em, and yet I can’t figure out what I would say. I’m going home later to an empty apartment. It’s my favorite time of year and I can’t get up for it.
So I’m going to begin drinking and I’ll try to be sober by the time Tuesday rolls around. Until then, expect some drunken phone calls. You’ve all been warned.

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